| haven't written on here in a long time, but... when i do its cuz, xanga, will always be a small haven... somewhere to run to when, everything is perfect, or everything is horribly wrong. I feel like... shattered. Life has gotten so hard.... and im probably just a big cry baby, but everything inside of me hurts.... Its just like, the things that have mattered so much to me the past couple of years... i feel like im losing, and i wish i could just pour my heart out to something or someone, but i feel so alone. If i try, im told im ridiculous, or that... i dont understand the situation. I understand, and i think i have every right to be ridiculous... I have put my sweat, tears, heart, body, soul, mind, spirit, stress, anger, happiness... just every fiber that possess me into who i have become or what has made me.... and now its like none of it matters. I thought by now everything would change, and i never saw myself being where im at today, and i think about every little thing and it hurts. I actually believed that i could be a person to stand up for who i believe in, and why, and likewise, the people that surround me. I was talking to my sister tonight, and she told me, you can't always please everyone... and as small as that statement is, and as much as i've heard it, when i think about it.... it's hard, cuz i try, and try, and i feel like, no matter how hard im trying, or much im putting myself out there for someone, i just get rejected.... you can't please everyone, but what do you do when your pleasing no one. When you just a little comfort, someone to work with you, or just to hear something small and yet encouraging, to not be torn down, to not Constantly be reminded of the hard time, to not be so tired of the situation..... you can't please everyone, i've accepted that.... you can't please anyone, is a reality. And yes, keren is moving, and... that is gonna be so weird. she's been like my best friend for life, literally. Her and i can totally bump heads, and have major fall outs.... but the reason, we have such hard fall outs is because i know we love each other more then we love ourselves. She's always been either right here, or next door, and now she's gonna be 4 hours away.... and as hard as that is to accept, i'm so excited for her, i know this is exactly what she needs. I'm just gonna miss her.... Life is so strange... at 16, i thought, the things that im struggling with now, would be easier to handle.... and the easier aspects of my life now, would be much harder on me, how ironic is life. .... But i dont think it's funny, not even for a second. |
